


Painkiller

by Binsfeld



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Binsfeld/pseuds/Binsfeld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>According to the vids, the end is nigh. Kaidan knows he's got to come clean with Shepard sooner or later about how he really feels- before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**PAINKILLER**

 

 

Kaidan remembered there being a fight. And pain: unbelievable pain reminiscent of his worst implant headaches. He had the vaguest recollection of what might have been Shepard's face, half-hidden by his helmet, hovering over him. A familiar voice laced with unfamiliar panic. So though his eyes refused to open now, and the sounds making it through his drug-addled brain were warped and distant, he thought it was safe to assume he was in a hospital somewhere.

 

For a long time consciousness was like a dark cloud he couldn't quite make his way through. Sounds were distorted, and he wavered in and out of reality for some time. There were huge holes of nothing. How long had he been floating in this half-dead state? Hours? Days? He couldn't stay like this. There was something important he had to do. Another fight to win, even if his rattled brain had difficulty recalling just what mission he was supposed to be on.

 

And Shepard... had that been real? Fighting with Shepard again, was that something induced by anesthesia? Trying to pin down what was delusion and what was real memory was a fruitless battle. And trying to think too much or pull himself back to reality caused too much pain. Once he thought he heard Shepard's voice again: quiet, pained, with a note of forced cheer. None of the words made sense, though, and he chalked it up to another dream. Shepard had better things to do than visit an old injured team mate laid up in a hospital bed. Shepard had to do what he did best: save the galaxy.

 

Still... the idea appealed to him. Soothed him. If nothing else, it would be proof that Shepard had survived whatever encounter had laid Kaidan low in the first place. The relief that hope gave him was too precious for him to ignore his pathetic little fantasy completely. To finally stand by Shepard's side again, then get thrown out of the fight so quickly was both humiliating and infuriating. Shepard may not _need_ his help, and hell, he still couldn't remember if he should trust the man or not. There was that Cerberus cock-up. But...

 

it would be nice to watch the man's back again. Shepard was usually too busy saving everyone else to remember that sometimes it helped to have people looking out for him. As humanity's best hope, he needed a shield. Kaidan had foolishly let himself think he might at least in part take on that role.

 

And now instead here he was, stretched out on a bed, barely able to cling to any form of consciousness with his fingernails. Useless to help save anyone, not even himself.

 

“...ko. Maj......enko...”

 

The voice that finally made it through his fog was unfamiliar, but it was something to use as an anchor. Something he could focus on to pull himself at last back to sound and light and the feel of soft sheets.

 

“Major Alenko. Can you hear me?”

 

He had to fight to peel his eyelids open, and regretted it instantly. The overhead lights blinded him and lanced into his brain, forcing him to close his eyes again immediately. It took three tries to get his voice to work. His throat was painfully dry. “Hear you,” he mumbled.

 

“Good.” A hand landed briefly, encouragingly, on his arm. “We're weaning you off of the anesthetic now. You may still feel a little fuzzy from the painkillers, however. My name is Doctor Guron. You're at the Huerta Memorial Hospital on the Citadel. Can you tell me your full name? What's the last thing you remember?”

 

“Kaidan Alenko.” He made himself open his eyes again. Everything was blurry, but he thought the man standing at his bedside was a salarian. “I was...” The memories were sticky, hard to retrieve, but at least they were there. “I was on Mars. I fought a woman. No, a... synthetic.” There was a throbbing pain in his head, but the medicine seemed to be keeping the worst of it at bay.

 

“Good.” The hand gave him a brief pat. “Do you need any water?”

 

“Yes. Please.”

 

The bed rose a bit so he was half-sitting, and a cup of water was pressed into his hands. Alarmed by how weak he felt, he found himself forced to grip the cup with both hands to keep it steady. He gulped the water down greedily, and the dry ache in his throat eased. Slowly his awareness became more defined. “The others. Are they all right? Shepard--” he stopped. Was Shepard still a part of his confused memories? Had he even been on Mars at all?

 

Yes. Suddenly he was sure of it. Unbidden, the memory of his tense argument with the Commander returned. His borderline accusations of the man's questionable loyalty and connections with Cerberus. The irritation and disappointment in Shepard's voice. He closed his eyes again. _Stupid. You finally get to see your old friend again, and you lay into him with that again._

 

Stupid.

 

“Your friends are fine,” the doctor was saying. “Commander Shepard was in here just yesterday to check on you. He insisted I keep him informed of your condition.” He checked a monitor and made a note on his datapad. “Dr. Michel-- she was one of your attending doctors –says she knows you, and wanted me to pass on her well-wishes. A Dr. Chakwas also dropped in, though I've been informed she's transferred to the Normandy under Shepard's command.”

 

Kaidan opened his eyes again in surprise. “Oh. Uh. Sorry I missed them.” Jeez, he hadn't seen Dr. Michel since... well, not since that mess with Saren had gone sideways. Rescuing her was how he and Shepard had met Garrus. And Wrex and Tali, for that matter. She'd steered them in that direction. It was kind of her to remember him after so much time. And Dr. Chakwas on board the Normandy again was reassuring. She'd take care of Shepard and the others. She was good people.

 

His head throbbed insistently, even past the painkillers, and he winced, hand flying up instinctively as if he could subdue the pain with a touch.

 

The doctor noticed and frowned slightly. “You have an L2 implant, yes?”

 

He nodded, riding out the wave of pain.

 

“The hammering you took rattled it about a bit. You should be fine, but it's already a touchy model, and I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through a few migraines. Which I'm sure you're used to, sad to say.” He pressed a button on his datapad, and Kaidan felt instant relief as a new surge of medication eased through his veins. “You know, upgrading to the L3 is not quite as dangerous as it once was. Have you considered--?”

 

“No thanks, doc,” Kaidan said with a wan smile. To say the operation was risky was an understatement. Besides, the simple fact was that he was much more powerful with an L2 than he would be with a safer upgrade. His biotics had saved his bacon-- and others' –more than once. Hell, even Shepard owed him one in that regard. He'd slammed a portable processing unit into a pair of Cerberus soldiers once, effectively snuffing them out and keeping them from getting the drop on the Commander. He'd never have been able to lift something so heavy with an L3. The nosebleed he'd gotten from such a desperate move hadn't stopped for almost ten minutes, but Shepard was still alive, and that was what mattered. Even if he'd had to deal with Chakwas fussing over him for the rest of the afternoon.

 

_Stop thinking about Shepard. Jesus._ He put his empty cup aside to hide his discomfort. Would Shepard come and visit now that he was awake? Did Kaidan even want him to? Shepard had a job to do. He shouldn't feel obligated to look in on someone who'd spent half their time on Mars practically accusing him of being a traitor.

 

_There was also that nice bit where you pretty much called him a glorified Husk,_ he reminded himself with a wince.

 

“I can return your omni-tool to you if you'd like to contact the Commander and let him know you're awake,” the doctor said as if reading his mind. He was messing with his datapad again, eyes flicking to the monitors over the bed every now and then. “He seemed upset when he visited last, and made it clear he'd like an update on your status.”

 

Kaidan still wasn't sure he had the right-- or guts –to look Shepard in the face just yet, but if he was honest with himself, he did want to see his old friend again. If only to try and clear the air between them. “All right. Thanks, doc.” Besides, he should have some time. Shepard would come by when he could spare a moment, but he was a busy man. It could be days before the Commander showed up, and that would give him plenty of time to figure out what the hell he was going to say.

 

He went through four drafts of a very simple e-mail that evening before he let himself admit what his damned problem was.  
  
Seeing Shepard again back on earth had been like a blow to the gut. A million things had gone through his head, chief among them _I should have kept in touch_ and _Don't say anything stupid, Major_. Seeing him on Horizon during the Collector attack had had a similar effect. Seeing the man alive had made him unbelievably happy. Hearing Shepard admit to his face that he was with Cerberus had made him want to punch his Commander in the face. Or go curl up in a corner and pretend it hadn't happened. The man he admired the most in the galaxy couldn't-- wouldn't –work for a terrorist organization. He'd been unwilling to accept it, and had lashed out. He'd spent days composing an apology message he'd never gotten a reply to. And then Shepard's stupid ass had gone off on a suicide mission. Kaidan would have gone with him, Cerberus or no Cerberus. If only he'd known. But Shepard hadn't bothered to tell him. He'd made it back, but the two of them had... lost touch.   
  
_And then you join up again in the middle of this mess and spend most of the time telling him you don't trust his motives. Good going there, Major._  
  
Hurt and anger had been an easy crutch for conversation-- or arguments, rather –back on Mars. This was... different. He was asking Shepard to come visit him in the hospital. Hoping he might get one last chance to clear the air between them. As much as he detested Shepard's choice to team up with Cerberus, he still greatly respected the man. He considered him a friend. He needed to know things were all right with them.  
  
It didn't help that he'd been carrying a torch for the man for the last couple of years.  
  
Kaidan let his head bonk back against his headboard a few times, solid thunks that he immediately regretted, his migraine flaring up once more.  
  
 _Idiot._  
  
He could feel his ears beginning to burn the way they always did when he allowed himself to peek at this particular corner of his mind. God knew he'd tried to deny it long enough. He hadn't been willing to lose his position in the crew before, and he sure as hell wasn't going to risk an already shaky friendship by throwing this in Shepard's face. The Commander had a galaxy to save. He didn't need to hear a fumbling, awkward confession from an old squad mate. It had taken far too long for Kaidan to even figure his feelings out for himself, only to quickly stuff them deep into the proverbial closet. He wasn't sure how he'd even bring it up without coming across as a lunatic or a stammering teenage girl.  
  
He thumped his head once more before remembering what a horrendous idea that was.  
  
Clutching his head and waiting for the pain to subside, he scowled at the half-written message on his omni-tool. This was the end of days according to most people. Did he really want to risk his own emotional baggage cropping up in conversation with the one person who might be able to save the galaxy?  
  
What would Ash say?  
  
He lowered his hand and added a few more lines, trying for a light-hearted tone. He eyed the message critically.  
  
Ash would laugh at him.  
  
“Come on, LT,” she'd probably say. “If it's the end of the world, don't you think it's the perfect time to be honest?”  
  
Maybe. Maybe. But... not in a message. Right now Shepard's friendship was the important thing. He needed to see if they were all right. Hell, maybe Shepard wouldn't even come.  
  
Resisting the urge to go for the “delete” key in a desperate last-ditch attempt to save himself, he sent the message away. No use agonizing. He'd know soon enough.


	2. Chapter 2

_So much for having a few days,_ Kaidan thought, struggling to keep the surprise from his face as Shepard appeared in his doorway the next morning.

 

Udina passed the Commander, every muscle tense, a slightly snide tone in his curt greeting. Shepard's mouth tightened a bit, but he nodded in return. "Udina."

 

Clearly still some bad blood there, Kaidan noticed with amusement. He shifted uncomfortably in his bed, acutely aware of what a mess he looked like. He'd managed to talk a nurse into letting him see a mirror, and ye gods. His face looked like one big purple ugly bruise.

 

He was also currently without a shirt, he remembered a second later in fleeting panic as Shepard eased into a chair at his bedside with a friendly smile. Trying desperately not to feel self-conscious-- was it just him, or did Shepard's eyes flick ever so briefly across his chest? --he dragged up his own hesitant smile. "Shepard. Thanks for coming."

 

"Glad you're feeling better. So, a Spectre, huh?"

 

"Yeah." He shrugged one shoulder. "I haven't decided yet." He grasped for a topic. "You just missed snack time..." he trailed off as Shepard reached out to give his arm a squeeze, still grinning.

 

"You had us pretty worried. How long do you think they'll keep you here? Do you need me to break you out?"

 

Kaidan laughed helplessly, hoping his ears weren't as red as they felt. "Maybe later." He cleared his throat, hating his sudden lack of backbone. Why was he suddenly so uptight around the other man? He'd learned long ago to keep his feelings buried and put on a friendly but professional front. Was this really all it took to bust some cracks in his wall? A brief touch and a hint of real concern?

 

Speaking of concern... He eyed the soldier at his bedside more closely. Those were definitely bags under Shepard's bloodshot eyes, and there was a near-permanent line between his brows that he only got when he was really stressed out about something. He'd seen it before several times before their face-off against Saren, and again briefly on Horizon during their Cerberus argument. Hackett had pretty much dumped the entire fate of the galaxy in Shepard's lap, and the strain was starting to show. "What about you? Are you all right?"

 

The faintest flicker of irritation crossed Shepard's face, then was gone again. "I'm _fine_." He leaned back with a heavy sigh, rubbing at his face roughly. "Sorry. It's just... Garrus and Liara also keep asking me if I'm doing all right. I'm just not getting much sleep lately, that's all."

 

Kaidan took the hint and changed the subject to something safer. They made small talk for a few moments about his health before he finally couldn't take it any more. "Look, I need to know that we're all right. I shouldn't have kept throwing all those accusations at you. I don't think I was mistaken about Cerberus, but... I was mistaken about you." He tried hard not to fidget. Shepard _seemed_ ready to put the past behind them, but it was hard to tell with him sometimes. The man had a surprising diplomatic streak in him. He was able to lie through his teeth when needed to keep the peace. "I'm sorry."

 

Shepard didn't even have to think about it. "We're fine, Kaidan," he said with another smile. "Don't worry about it. For now just concentrate on getting better. The galaxy needs you in this fight, all right?"

 

Yeah. The galaxy. Big whoop. Kaidan couldn't even muster up a hint of shame at his sudden flash of selfishness. He wanted to feel needed right now, but not by the galaxy. Just one man. Was that really so much to ask?

 

As Shepard rose to his feet, Kaidan crushed his inner voice with an effort. This war was bigger than his pathetic crush or his insignificant wants. He should just be happy with what he could get right now. And in the face of a possible doomsday event, having Shepard's friendship back was a tiny miracle.

 

"Thanks for coming, Shepard."

 

"Any time. I'll come by later, okay? Feels like everyone on the Citadel wants a moment of my time. "

 

And he was gone just like that.

 

***

 

Shepard found himself puttering around Liara's room-- or office, it was hard to tell which it was with the bed and wall of screens all crammed in the same place like that --soon after they'd departed the Citadel. Every now and then Glyph would float over to check if he needed anything. He was beginning to see why Feron had wanted to deactivate the thing.

 

"So how is Kaidan doing?" Liara finally asked when it became obvious something was on her old friend's mind. She kept her eyes on her screen, half her attention devoted to the information streaming in from her agents. "Did he look any better?"

 

"He's still pretty banged up. He seemed better, but I'm sure they've got him on a lot of pain medication. Apparently his implant got jostled, and I'm sure _that_ was no picnic." He paused, running his hands fretfully through his short-cropped hair. "Udina offered him a position as a Spectre. He's waffling about it right now, but I think he'll go for it..." He trailed off, glowering at an info screen without seeing what was on it. "He looked like hell," he blurted. "His doctor made it clear he's lucky to be alive. I should've been quicker to put a bullet in that damned synthetic."

 

"But then EDI wouldn't have her new body. Or platform, I suppose I should say." Shepard glared at her, and she dropped the attempt at light-heartedness. "Besides, you couldn't risk hitting Kaidan. You know that. He knows that. And he's alive. That's what matters. He's strong and stubborn. He'll be back to his old self in no time."

 

"He apologized for being a jackass about Mars. It looks like things might finally be okay between us again, but... if he's a Spectre the Council will probably send him to help random colonies or... something." Shepard stopped, hands on his hips, glaring at the wall.

 

Liara finally turned from her work to eye her friend carefully. "You were hoping he'd join the crew again after he recovered." It was a statement, not a question. Anyone who'd been around the two of them since the beginning had to eventually pick up on the odd unnamed tension between them. It had taken her awhile to piece two and two together, but she'd never voiced her suspicions. For some reason neither man seemed to want to make his feelings known, so she'd respectfully kept her silence. It must be some weird human thing she still didn't get, because she couldn't for the life of her figure out what was stopping the two of them from being honest with each other. Maybe she should ask Garrus. He was a military man. Maybe it really was just as stupid and simple as rank and chain of command getting in the way. Which meant if Kaidan didn't serve on the Normandy, Shepard should be free to pursue him. Except chances of them seeing each other _unless_ Kaidan was under his command again were slim to none in the middle of a war. She struggled to think of something to say that might comfort him, but was drawing a blank. Who was she to give romantic advice? She'd always been far too busy with her studies and then her work as Shadow Broker to have time for romance. She felt like anything she could say would either come across as insincere or make Commander In Denial Shepard turtle up.

 

Before she could come up with anything, Shepard abruptly turned and headed for the door. "I'd better set a course for Sur'Kesh and get this train wreck underway. I just hope Wrex is in a diplomatic mood."

 

_And there he goes again, with the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders,_ Liara thought with pensive sympathy. Yet seeing Kaidan on the path to recovery seemed to have done him some good. He looked more determined, a little less exhausted. Liara found herself hoping Kaidan would turn down Udina's offer. They could really use him aboard the Normandy. Another biotic was always handy.

 

And maybe he was the only one who would be able to keep Shepard from losing himself to this insane war.

 

***

 

It was nothing, really. A simple chip of what may have been plastic or metal, barely the size of a man's thumb. The red paint had been mostly worn away, leaving it just another piece of space trash. Kaidan held it in his hand, turning it over and over slowly as he stared out of the window. His belongings had finally been returned to him, and he'd been relieved to find his lucky keepsake still safe in his pocket. He felt a dry smile pull at the corners of his mouth. He could think of at least one person who wouldn't consider it so lucky.

 

There was a step in the doorway, and he slipped the thing into his pocket before turning to greet his visitor with a smile. "Shepard. Thanks for coming."

 

"Good to see you up and about." Shepard propped himself in the doorway, arms crossed, a cheery grin on his face that couldn't quite mask the total exhaustion on his face. And something else was there, too, a shadow in his eyes.

 

Grief. Kaidan had seen this haunted look after Virmire, though Shepard was clearly trying to mask it.

 

How to find out without being too direct? "I don't think walking is much of a victory compared to what you've been up to. It's all over the vids. Did you really cure the genophage?"

 

"Yes. It didn't make everyone happy, but..." Shepard shrugged. "It was the right thing to do. Besides, we need the krogan in this. The turians are doomed without them."

 

"I'll bet Wrex was over the moon."

 

"To put it lightly." His eyes skittered away, but Kaidan had caught another flash of that guilt and grief. Kaidan didn't have to ask to know that not everyone had made it off Tuchanka. He wrestled with indecision, then decided to let it drop. If it was someone Kaidan knew, Shepard would tell him. It must have been someone he'd met during his suicide mission with the Collectors. Or perhaps it wasn't that simple. Maybe some random soldiers had died and Shepard felt responsible somehow. Shepard, who seemed to think it was in his job description to broker peace and save everyone.

 

Shepard cleared his throat and steered the conversation another way. "So, have you decided yet whether or not you'll take Udina up on his offer?"

 

"I accepted." He made a lame gesture in Shepard's direction. “It's probably just meant to give hope to people. I don't feel like I actually earned it. And you're a pretty hard act to follow. But if it'll give me the resources to help more people--”

 

“Kaidan.” Shepard stepped forward and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “You're perfect for the job. I'm glad you accepted.”

 

“Thanks. That means a lot.” Up close, it was easier to see the effect Shepard's burdens were having on him. “Shepard, I know you said not to ask, but... you look pretty rough. Don't push yourself too hard out there, all right?”

 

“There's not really much downtime,” the Commander admitted, turning away to stare out the window without seeming to really see the view. “I come to the Citadel for supplies, and to make sure the crew gets some breathing space.” A quick smile. “And to check up on you and Thane. But even here I'm constantly running errands or running into people who ask for help...” He gave an explosive sigh, grinding his fists into his bloodshot eyes for a moment. “These trips to the Citadel are necessary in their own way, but I feel guilty every time we dock here without express orders from the Council. The Reapers and Cerberus are out there _killing_ people by the thousands, and I'm here. Shooting the shit with Vega at Purgatory or...” he flicked his fingers in agitated dismissal, “stopping petty arguments before they spiral out of control and handing over some long-lost artifact because it could maybe possibly help us with the Crucible.”

 

“Shepard, you can't be everywhere at once,” Kaidan reminded him quietly. “And as hard as it is to hear, you have to accept that you can't save _everyone_. Save as many as you can, yes. But you can't do that if you're a wreck. So stay a little longer in Purgatory. Stop and look at the view and remind yourself why we're fighting.”

 

“Visit an old friend in the hospital,” Shepard added with a brief smile that didn't touch his eyes. His mind was already far away, dwelling on a hundred and one problems.

 

Kaidan reached out to grasp his arm, dragging the man's attention back to the here and now, catching and holding his gaze. “I'm fine. I should be out of here in no time. Don't add me to whatever guilt trip is going on in your head. Just... please, remember to stop and breathe every now and then.”

 

Shepard's eyes focused on him, _really_ focused on him, for the first time since his arrival, and Kaidan let his hand drop quickly. He could feel his ears beginning to burn again, and cleared his throat, turning his eyes to the window. In the back of his head rose a familiar litany he'd been hearing from his common sense for years. _Don't go there. Don't push your luck._ “Anyway, thanks for dropping by. I don't want to keep you.”

 

Shepard opened his mouth, but the comm link on his omni-tool lit up just then. “Right. Well... I'll see you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Maybe. Maybe not. He'd accepted the Spectre position, and the Council would likely send him off somewhere as soon as he was released from the hospital. Kaidan hesitated, glancing back towards Shepard. This was wartime. What if this was the last time they saw each other?

 

But Shepard was already heading out the door, opening the link and speaking with Liara.

 

Kaidan reached in his pocket and pressed his fingertips to the broken piece of flotsam, his twisted bit of luck.

 

“Be safe,” he said, too softly for the other man to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me that you don't want to read word-for-word the conversations you already hear in the game any more than I want to write them. So certain bits will be skimmed over, summarized, or blatantly tweaked because I'm a romantic sap at times.  
> And yes, I'll explain what he's carrying around later. :)


	3. Chapter 3

 

_This has to be a nightmare,_ Kaidan thought numbly, amazed at how steady his hands were. First the attack on the Citadel, and now this.

 

He stared down his gun at his old friend and prayed for a miracle. _Let me be wrong. Please don't let this be what it looks like._

 

“Kaidan.” Shepard's voice was firm but soothing, an odd contrast to the hard look in his eyes. His gun remained raised, though it wavered just the slightest as Kaidan put himself between the Commander and his target. “You don't know what's going on here. Step aside.”

 

“Are you _insane_? I'm not going to let you kill a Council member!”

 

“Damn it, Alenko, _move_ ,” Garrus barked, his own rifle unwaveringly aimed just past Kaidan's shoulder. Udina stepped to the right a bit to put himself more directly behind Kaidan and out of the line of fire.

 

Shepard hissed a curse and lowered his gun, signaling Garrus and Vega to do likewise. “Kaidan, you have to trust me.”

 

Kaidan stared back at him, torn. All of his training told him not to back down. He was a Spectre now, and it was his duty to protect the Council, even from other Spectres. Still, his resolve wavered in the face of Shepard's olive branch. The man's dislike of Udina was not exactly a secret, but it was still hard to believe Shepard would pull a gun on the man without a good reason.

 

He faced his friend down, wrestling with his head and his heart. A detached part of his mind, the part still hoping this was all a bad dream, began pointing out odd nonsensical things. The distant sound of screams and gunfire. How damned scary a turian with a rifle looked when you were facing him on the wrong side of the scope. The way the nervous sweat trickling down his back was beginning to itch maddeningly. The quick, frightened breathing of the Asari Councilor.

 

And the unmarred surface of Shepard's face. It was still odd to him, seeing the man without the jagged scar that had once cut a line down the left side of his face. He'd explained it to Kaidan once, shortly before their arrival on Illium. “Got it back on earth,” he'd said with a faint smile, turning his glass of water for the light to catch on it and make faint rainbows. “Some rival gang member came at me with a broken bottle. He cut up my face. I cut up his stomach.” He'd downed the water as if it were alcohol, as if the drink could wash away the memory. “I was a scared angry kid trying to make a name for myself. I don't even know if he got to a hospital in time.”

 

There was no scar anymore. Not after Cerberus had... rebuilt him. It was one of the things that nagged at Kaidan's mind, planting suspicions. For the umpteenth time the paranoid thought-- _is this_ **really** _Shepard?_ –crossed his mind. The man's blue eyes bored into him, willing him to listen, to trust him. To step aside.

 

It was time for a leap of faith. He either trusted Shepard or he didn't. It was as simple as that. He took a slow breath. “I'd better not regret this,” he said with feeling.

 

Shepard inclined his head slightly, acknowledging the difficulty of the decision. “You won't.”

 

Clenching his teeth, Kaidan turned and leveled his gun at the outraged Councilor at his back.

 

***

 

The tension in the elevator was palpable. Kaidan stood with his back against the wall, trying not to look as nervous as he felt. Shepard obviously hadn't been expecting to run into him so soon after their standoff with Udina; he'd taken two steps, noticed the other Spectre, and come to a dead halt. He eyed Kaidan a little warily, but with a stubborn set to his jaw. _I'm not going to apologize for shooting the bastard,_ his body language said loud and clear.

 

_I'd have done it, too,_ Kaidan reminded himself. Udina had signed his death warrant by pulling a gun on a fellow Council member. Though perhaps Kaidan would have kneecapped him instead. Then maybe C-Sec could have gotten some intel out of him. Still, what was done was done, and he knew Shepard well enough to know it was an argument better left untouched.

 

“Hackett's offered me a new assignment.”

 

Shepard shifted his weight, gaze moving away. His brow furrowed for a moment. “They had to find you work sooner or later,” he said, trying for a light tone and failing.

 

Kaidan nodded, crossing his arms over his chest because he felt like he didn't know what to do with his hands. “I'd turn him down in a second if I thought I'd be welcome on the Normandy again,” he said quietly. He waited, breath held.

 

Shepard looked back at him quickly, startled. A pleased smile was already creeping across his face. “Of course. I-- _we_ would love to have you back on board, Major.”

 

A lot of the tension eased out of Kaidan's frame, and he smiled back, though more reservedly. He straightened, hand lifting for a salute, but Shepard stepped forward suddenly, grasping his shoulder fondly. “You belong on the Normandy just as much as I do. And if this fight's going to be the war to end all wars, I want people I trust at my side.”

 

Kaidan flushed, touched and ashamed all at once. Just days ago he'd still been wrestling with nagging doubts about Shepard's loyalties, and here the man was, placing complete trust in him again. He felt like a heel.

 

Shepard's smile wavered for an instant, his eyes flicking over Kaidan's face. There was something in his eyes that Kaidan didn't understand, but he was suddenly acutely aware of just how close the other man was, a mere foot of empty space between them. His fingers twitched with the sudden dangerous urge to touch that unmarked cheek. The almost irresistible urge to prove that Shepard was real, was still alive. Was still the Shepard he'd fought beside three years ago.

 

Was it his imagination, or had Shepard swayed just a little bit clos--?

 

The elevator gave a buzz that made them both jump.

 

“Please select your destination,” the canned voice reminded them over the loud speaker. Shepard stepped away from Kaidan quickly, looking a little flustered, and punched the button to take them directly to the Normandy's airlock. “Liara and Garrus will be glad to see you again,” he said lamely.

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan muttered, staring out of the glass sides of the elevator at the view. He wasn't sure he could look at his Commander just yet.

 

He just hoped Shepard couldn't hear the way his heart was banging nervously against his ribcage.

 

***

 

Kaidan was morbidly certain that he was going to have nightmares about Banshees for the rest of his life.

 

The Ardat-Yakshi monastery had been like something out of a horror film. When they'd first entered that dark place, with the thin beams of their flashlights as their only guides, the eerie silence interrupted by those horrible _screeches_ coming from nowhere... a big part of him had wanted to do an about-face and book it back to the Kodiak. Even Shepard had seemed temporarily unnerved. When they'd finally met those screeching demons, they'd been as tough and terrifying as their wails had promised. And then for the mission to end the way it had... He'd never met the Justicar before that day, but he could feel sympathy for her and her remaining daughter. And guilt was there, lurking in a corner. If they'd been quicker, could they have gotten there in time to make sure she made it out with both daughters?

 

There was no use beating himself up about it. If there was one thing being a soldier had taught him, it was that you could only do your best during your mission; whatever happened before or after was in someone else's hands. It was a lesson Shepard seemed to conveniently forget sometimes. No one could mire in private guilt the way Commander Shepard did. He was good at hiding it, usually, but Kaidan was accustomed to picking up on the subtle signs by now. An hour after they'd left Lesuss he sought the man out.

 

Shepard was in the shuttle bay, staring at the procurement console without actually seeming to register what it was he was looking at. Their shuttle pilot, Cortez, was nearby. He was a friendly man, and a damned good pilot. Kaidan was glad to have him aboard. Yet something about the worried looks he kept sending Shepard put Kaidan unaccountably on edge. The last time he'd been down here, Cortez and Shepard had been chatting amicably, and Kaidan had gotten the same instinctive internal warning. Something about the way Cortez looked at the Commander just... rubbed Kaidan the wrong way. He swatted the odd irritation aside and leaned against the console beside his friend, only realizing belatedly that he'd effectively put himself between the two men.

 

A little mocking voice in his head tried to inform him what his problem was, but he ducked around it hastily.

 

"Shepard, can we talk?"

 

"Hm?" Shepard tore his eyes away from the console. "What about?"

 

"About Lususs. About what happened."

 

Shepard's eyes dropped away again. He began scrolling randomly through store inventories. "We didn't have a choice," he intoned. "The place was overrun with reapers."

 

"I know that. I'm not sure _you_ do."

 

Shepard sent him a quick glare.

 

"I mean..." Kaidan rubbed at the back of his neck anxiously. How to talk about this without causing Shepard to shut him out? The man seemed to have scant patience for people who tried to comfort him. "What happened to that woman, Rila... that wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do to save her. She was incredibly brave. And you did the right thing, Shepard. I hope you realize that. At least you saved Falere and her mother."

 

Shepard blew out an explosive sigh, closing the console with a few overly-violent jabs of his fingers on the holographic keys. "I know all that, Kaidan," he snapped. Then, quieter, "That doesn't mean I have to like it."

 

"I know what you need." Vega's voice startled them both. They hadn't noticed the big man come over. He rolled his head on his neck and shook his arms, bouncing on the balls of his feet. The man was clearly itching for some action. Kaidan had known marines like him before. Always eager to prove themselves with their fists, spending every spare moment toning their bodies into masses of muscle. "Feel like another dance, Loco?"

 

Shepard started to shake his head, then seemed to change his mind. He smiled briefly. "All right, LT. But don't start crying when I wipe the floor with you. Again."

 

"Oh ho, big talk," Vega taunted, still bouncing, throwing a few mock jabs. "Let's do this."

 

Another bite of irritation struck him, and Kaidan swallowed a frown. _Vega has affectionate nicknames for just about everyone,_ he reminded himself. _It doesn't mean anything._ Besides, Vega was forever making borderline inappropriate comments about the women on board. He was nothing to worry about. It was a certain other Lieutenant who'd been previously married to another man that made Kaidan react like a--

 

_Don't go there._

 

\--jealous teenager.

 

Stupid traitorous brain.

 

***

 

“Sooo, when do you plan on telling the Commander you're sweet on him?”

 

Kaidan almost choked on his cereal.

 

He'd come up to the bridge to have an idle chat with EDI, curious to know more about her, and to watch the view from the windows. He should've known Joker would eventually find a way to make him uncomfortable. “What?” he wheezed, setting his bowl down on the nearest console before his coughing fit made him drop it.

 

Joker didn't even bother to look back at him, eyes fixed firmly on his readouts. A small grin was teasing at the corner of his mouth, however. “Oh, come on. It's not like it's a big secret. The only one who seems oblivious is Shepard. Did you know Ashley and Chakwas actually had a small bet going on back on the SR1 about which of you would buckle first? It's kind of pathetic that it's been this long and you're both still kind of running in place. Think of it as a disgrace to Ash's memory if you don't give the Commander the Bad Touch.”

 

“Joker!” Kaidan was outraged and humiliated all at once.

 

“The Commander had no dalliances with other crew members during his employment with Cerberus,” EDI chimed in, as usual trying to be helpful and instead making the situation that much more awkward.

 

“We are _not_ talking about this,” Kaidan said firmly.

 

“Yeah, you gotta be careful with EDI. She has a matchmaking streak. Speaking of which, don't go into the forward battery if you see Tali heading that way.”

 

“What?”

 

“So are you going to come clean with the Commander or what?” Joker glanced at him over his shoulder, eyebrows raised in query.

 

Kaidan stared at him helplessly, hating how his face was burning. "You didn't--"

 

"I never said anything to the Commander. Are you crazy? The guy's been having wild moodswings lately. Too much stress. I'm a little too brittle to become his lifesized punching dummy."

 

Thank God for small miracles. "This is really none of your business, Joker," Kaidan said sternly, realizing too late he'd just all but admitted to his feelings to the last person he wanted to have this information.

 

Joker was unimpressed. "As far as I'm concerned, everything that happens on this ship aside from bowel movements is my business. And well, EDI _is_ the ship, so..."

 

"JOKER."

 

"Hey, man, I'm just trying to be helpful! Besides, I thought maybe I'd give your ass a kick in the right direction. I mean, Cortez was just asking me stuff about the Commander the other day. Seems the two of them are real buddy-buddy lately, and it's no secret which way Cortez's flag's flying, if you catch my drift."

 

Kaidan felt his heart lurch. "What? What do you mean? What kind of questions?"

 

Joker smirked at the obvious note of concern in his voice, tugging the brim of his hat down to cover his eyes. "You know. Stuff. Like if Shepard was ever dating anyone that I knew about, and just general stuff like where he grew up."

 

Kaidan stared out of the window, gripping the back of a chair with numb fingers.

 

"Look." Joker's voice was suddenly serious. "Everyone knows things are only gonna get worse from here on out. If you've got something to say to Shepard, you'd probably better say it soon." His eyes slid towards EDI. "I get the feeling not all of us are gonna walk away from this one. Better not to have any regrets, right?"

 

"I... have things to do," Kaidan muttered, retreating. He took the elevator to the crew deck and hid himself in the observatory where he could stare out of the window some more and think in peace. Nervous tension ate him up for the next hour as he wrestled with his courage. Was Joker right? Should he risk it? If Shepard didn't feel the same way, was it better to leave things as they were, or would being shot down give him some closure? If he did nothing, would he always regret it? Joker was a pain in the ass, but he did have a point.

 

He'd invite Shepard for a get-together on the Citadel, he decided at last. Somewhere neutral, and big enough where they could both avoid each other if things went sour or got too awkward. Yes. Just a friendly dinner. He could decide then if he was going to say anything or not. Hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake, he sent Shepard the invitation.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

"Do they really sell steak here?"

 

The amused drawl at his back startled Kaidan, causing his nervous grip on the menu to convulse and digging the sides of the hard plastic into his palms painfully. "That's what I hear," he managed to say, plastering on a weak smile as Shepard eased into the seat beside him. He forced himself to set the menu down. He'd been staring at it for the last half hour, and still had only the vaguest idea of what he'd read.

 

The cafe was busy, which was to be expected. With a great open-air view and the threat of imminent destruction hovering over everything, everyone was desperate for a sense of normality. Kaidan couldn't begrudge them this, but he was beginning to wish he'd picked another time for this meet-up. He really didn't think he'd be able to handle having so many witnesses if he made a complete jackass out of himself.

 

"This is nice," Shepard declared, looking around at the setting with approval. He leaned back in his chair, looking the closest to relaxed Kaidan had seen him since the attack on Earth.

 

"Yeah." Kaidan clasped his hands on the table because he couldn't figure out what the hell to do with himself. His heart was pounding steadily in his ears, and he had to make a physical effort not to start fidgeting.

 

"You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars," he said, surprising even himself. He glanced away, unable to meet Shepard's sympathetic gaze. "Made me think, you know?"

 

"About what?"

 

He managed a small pathetic smile. "That there aren't enough moments like this. Just... nice times with people you care about."

 

"True." Shepard eyed him for a moment, then reached for the menu. "So what're you having? If they've got steak, they've got Earth alcohol, I hope? I'm dying for something to remind me of home."

 

Kaidan laughed. "Whiskey. And a nice lager. I know what you mean. I used to sit out on my parents' balcony in Vancouver and drink beer. Watch the sunset. It was a beautiful view." He stared up at the fake sky, overcome for a moment with a sharp pang of loss. He forced thoughts of his father, and of the homestead that was probably decimated, far from his mind. How had this effected Shepard? He had to be feeling differently about Earth's loss than Kaidan or even Vega did. Shepard had never known his parents, and his childhood memories were full of violent gang wars. He found himself studying the other man's face again, searching for a childhood scar that was no longer there.

 

Shepard caught him staring, and Kaidan hastily changed the subject, glancing away. "I feel good about our chances, though. You're doing what you do best: kicking ass and taking names. Getting together the best team you can get your hands on. Doing the impossible. It helps me sleep better at night sometimes, knowing you're leading the charge. If anyone can get us through this, it's you, Shepard. Everyone knows it."

 

For a moment something dark and haunted flashed across Shepard's face, then he looked away. "No pressure," he joked softly, but he'd gone tense, and the moment's relaxation was easing away.

 

Kaidan could have kicked himself. "Wait--" he reached out impulsively, putting his hand on the man's arm. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to put more weight on your shoulders. You shouldn't take it that way. All of us, we have faith in you. That's all. But we don't think you're invincible. You're only human, Shepard. And you're not in this alone. We don't expect miracles from you."

 

"I know." Shepard ran his hand through his hair roughly, twice, before forcing himself to lay his hands flat on the table. "It just feels like it sometimes."

 

Kaidan hesitated, unsure which statement Shepard was referring to: loneliness, or miracles. He pulled his hand back, swallowing hard. Now or never. Did he let this drop, continue with a casual lunch date with a friend? Or say what he'd come here to say?

 

"What about you, Kaidan?" Shepard looked at him intently, catching him a bit off guard. "EDI's not exactly subtle, so I'm sure half the ship knows my sleep's been shitty lately. Bad dreams. But Garrus has seen you pacing the ship more than one night."

 

"Yeah, uh... I'm not sleeping too well sometimes," Kaidan admitted, staring with fascination at his hands, clutching each other on the tabletop as if his life depended on it. "Restless, I guess."

 

"Thinking about Earth?"

 

Kaidan began stammering uselessly. "Well. That, too. Uh. I've been thinking about... um..." _Us. You've been thinking about US. Quit being such a coward and say it._ He fumbled in his pocket, desperately hoping to gain a bit of courage by touching his odd good luck charm.

 

The waiter showed up suddenly with a smile. "Would you like to order?"

 

Kaidan jumped. "Uh--"

 

"Not just yet," Shepard said at the same time.

 

The bit of metal fell from Kaidan's pocket as he yanked his hand free, and clattered to the deck. Shepard leaned over automatically to get it, and cracked his head against Kaidan's as the biotic hastily tried to snatch it up first.

 

"Ouch!"

 

"Ow! Sorry." Shepard straightened with a wince and a rueful grin. He rubbed at his aching head with one hand, holding the bit of painted metal in the other. He started to offer it, then hesitated, studying the garbage with growing confusion. "What... is this?"

 

"My, uh, good luck charm," Kaidan mumbled. He had a feeling his face was probably roughly the shade of a tomato, and hastily hid it behind the menu, feigning interest in the dessert section. "It's nothing."

 

Shepard stared at the bit of metal, rubbing his thumb slowly against the remnants of red paint. "...This is a piece of my old N7 armor," he murmured. "Isn't it?"

 

Kaidan forced himself to put the menu down and cleared his throat. "Yeah. It is."

 

Shepard looked from the piece to Kaidan in surprise. "How did you get this?"

 

"Liara gave it to me a few years ago. She retrieved what was left of your armor, I guess."

 

"Yeah. I saw it in her apartment on Illium six months ago."

 

Kaidan nodded, rubbing at the back of his neck and staring at the armor piece rather than meet Shepard's eyes. "We were all pretty... upset. After you got spaced. She said she thought I should have something of yours. It's kind of my good luck charm. Even more so since you came back from the dead." He forced a laugh. "I guess it's kind of creepy, now that you're actually alive."

 

"It's not creepy." Shepard handed it back, studying his face with an unreadable expression. His voice was quiet. "Why did you really ask me to come here today?"

 

Kaidan transferred his gaze once more to his hands. "Shepard, in all the time we've known each other, have you ever known me to... be with anyone?"

 

"...No," Shepard said slowly, eyeing him strangely. "You and Ash were always pretty gung-ho about getting the job done." He smiled slightly. "Not that I have room to talk. I guess I assumed you found someone in the two years I was being rebuilt." He looked around suddenly. "Wait, is this the part where you introduce me to your fiancé or something?"

 

Kaidan groaned, burying his face in his hands. This was ridiculous. "No. I... Shepard, what do you think about us? You and me, I mean." The words tumbled out before he could stop them. The stunned silence that greeted these words made him wish fervently that the ground would open up and swallow him whole. This was not how he'd planned this conversation. At all. He stood up suddenly, almost knocking back his chair. "I have to go," he mumbled.

 

"Wait!" Shepard rose hastily, catching him by the arm. He glanced around, belatedly noting how much attention they'd suddenly gained from the other customers. "Come on," he said more quietly. "Let's get back to the Normandy. This isn't the place to discuss this."

 

 _Discuss my transfer to another ship, you mean?_ Kaidan thought miserably, but only nodded, following in silence as Shepard turned and led the way towards the elevator.

 

He kept his eyes glued to the floor, but tried to keep his spine straight and his shoulders back. This was quite possibly the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him, but he'd be damned if he'd let it show. Too much. At least Shepard was enough of a gentleman to let him down easy in private. Though he was seriously wishing he could just be left alone to deal with this crap by himself.

 

They reached the elevator and Shepard pressed the button for Bay D24. As soon as the doors slid closed, he turned around and fixed Kaidan with a strangely intent look. His face was closed off, as if he was going out of his way to keep emotion off of it. "Did you mean what I think you meant?"

 

"Look, never mind, I just--"

 

"This isn't one of those end-of-the-world spontaneous things, is it?"

 

"What? No! I--" his words strangled themselves in his throat as Shepard abruptly stepped closer, reaching up to put his hand against the side of Kaidan's neck.

 

"How long, then?" he demanded, and there was an odd note of-- disbelief? wistfulness? to his voice that forced the honesty out.

 

Kaidan swallowed hard. "Feros."

 

Shepard gave an explosive laugh. "You jackass," he gasped.

 

Kaidan opened his mouth indignantly, but in the next instant Shepard was leaning in, his own mouth effectively gagging any protests.

 

It was a rough kiss, desperate and sloppy, and Kaidan reached out blindly, fingers digging into the other man's hips as if he needed an anchor. He didn't remember moving, but suddenly his back was up against the wall. Shepard clutched at his face, kissing him again, hard.

 

"Why didn't you say anything _earlier?_ " he demanded breathlessly when they finally broke apart for air.

 

"Why didn't _you?_ " Kaidan retorted with a shaky laugh. He wrapped his arms around the man's waist, dragging him up against him, needing the physical proof that this was really happening.

 

"Because I didn't want you filing sexual harassment charges, maybe?" Shepard teased. He gave a guilty jump as the elevator chimed and the doors slid open. He cleared his throat, stepping out of Kaidan's reach. "Let's continue this discussion on the Normandy," he suggested.

 

Kaidan couldn't keep back the foolish grin that stretched across his face. "Aye aye, Commander."

 

 

**~END~**


End file.
